Scene outside of a gym. Two people with dogs. One dog tries to play with the other.
Woman with dog: Um, I don't think...
Man with dog: Oh, it's alright, he's perfectly harmless.
Woman with dog: Sir, your dog has blood dripping from its eyes.
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
4.21.2009
Any questions? Comments? Concerns? Requests?
By far, the best comedic quote from the X-Files series:
"Alright, so we're looking for a white male, age seventeen to thirty-four, with or without a beard, maybe a tattoo, who's impotent."
"Alright, so we're looking for a white male, age seventeen to thirty-four, with or without a beard, maybe a tattoo, who's impotent."
4.02.2009
Can't make this stuff up.
Overheard in an undisclosed sector of my workplace yesterday:
Co-worker #1: Hey, you know what I've found really works with 3-year-olds??
Co-worker #2: Beating them?
Co-worker #1: Hey, you know what I've found really works with 3-year-olds??
Co-worker #2: Beating them?
1.16.2009
Hilarity.
A short exchange overhead the other day by two fourth-grade girls:
First Girl (in desperation): Aaaaaugh! She's drowning me in Legos!!!
Second Girl (unemotional): You can swim, can't you?
First Girl (in desperation): Aaaaaugh! She's drowning me in Legos!!!
Second Girl (unemotional): You can swim, can't you?
11.19.2008
Factoids from the continuum.
Just some facts from around the web:
Did you know that the average bedroom carpet has 45,729,034 fibers??
Did you know the price of one McDonald's value meal would feed eight families in Tibet??
Did you know that nearly 80% of colorblind men are also ambidextrous?
Did you know that as a Rough Rider, Teddy Roosevelt once shot his horse for looking at him "quite oddly"??
Did you know that Mother Goose is actually based on the axe-wielding prohibitionist Carrie Nation?
Did you know that Roseanne Barr studied classical voice for three semesters at Berklee School of Music?
Did you know that 1 in 3 adults has both male and female reproductive organs and does not know it??
Did you know that I'm making all this stuff up???
Hee hee.
Did you know that the average bedroom carpet has 45,729,034 fibers??
Did you know the price of one McDonald's value meal would feed eight families in Tibet??
Did you know that nearly 80% of colorblind men are also ambidextrous?
Did you know that as a Rough Rider, Teddy Roosevelt once shot his horse for looking at him "quite oddly"??
Did you know that Mother Goose is actually based on the axe-wielding prohibitionist Carrie Nation?
Did you know that Roseanne Barr studied classical voice for three semesters at Berklee School of Music?
Did you know that 1 in 3 adults has both male and female reproductive organs and does not know it??
Did you know that I'm making all this stuff up???
Hee hee.
10.31.2008
Yesterday I turned over in my grave.
Sometimes, kids are awesome.
(Note the key word, "sometimes.")
I read some Halloween jokes to the kids that had off school today, and honestly, their guesses at the responses were way funnier than the mostly lame punchlines. I present to you the best of what came out of their befuddled mouths:
Why don't angry witches ride their brooms?
They need to sweep their angry floor.
Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
They "ghost" to sleep.
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His mom.
What does a ghost eat for lunch?
People.
What is a ghost's favorite article of clothing?
Ghost panties.
Who did the ghost invite to his party?
His mom.
Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
Because he would have broken his bones.
Where do most werewolves live?
On top of the rocks. (?????)
Sheer hilarity arrived when I asked what you call a witch who lives at the beach (or whatever), and one poor girl tried to say 'beach witch' but - well...dyslexia, anyone?
Sheer. Hilarity.
(Note the key word, "sometimes.")
I read some Halloween jokes to the kids that had off school today, and honestly, their guesses at the responses were way funnier than the mostly lame punchlines. I present to you the best of what came out of their befuddled mouths:
Why don't angry witches ride their brooms?
They need to sweep their angry floor.
Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
They "ghost" to sleep.
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His mom.
What does a ghost eat for lunch?
People.
What is a ghost's favorite article of clothing?
Ghost panties.
Who did the ghost invite to his party?
His mom.
Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
Because he would have broken his bones.
Where do most werewolves live?
On top of the rocks. (?????)
Sheer hilarity arrived when I asked what you call a witch who lives at the beach (or whatever), and one poor girl tried to say 'beach witch' but - well...dyslexia, anyone?
Sheer. Hilarity.
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